Anxiety

All my life, I didn’t know what this feeling was. My mind goes blank, thoughts, searching, but nothing is there. My world goes blank, white, as if it were a piece of paper without words. It creeps up. A static white fuzz hovers over my emotions all day, like a bad TV channel that won’t turn off. It waits for me. A heavy feeling consumes my body, fills me up; a warm liquid sensation surges through me. This feeling might pour out of me, an explosion-combusting into tiny little pieces. What if it takes over me? I go, go, go. I cannot stop. It won’t turn off.

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Confession Of a Cleaning Lady

You think you know someone, but you really do not know someone until you clean their house. It was the end of my three hour cleaning gig for the Williams's  family. The husband reaches into his pocket to pay me.  We are talking some non sense conversation, somehow I don't let him get a word in edge wise as I keep interjecting. 'Aahh..." He said. I go rambling off again- the words unable to formulate from his lips. I stop and ask him." What would you like to ask me?" " You didn't put the chairs back in the right spot." " I didn't! I didn't!" How could this be? I hardly move the chairs.

My mind took a rewind back to last week, when I was conversing with the wife. '"Ja-Neen, when cleaning things, could you please puts things back in the same spot as you found them, especially our daughters things. She is very temperamental and it would be nice not to have to hear. " Mommy, Why does she move my things? Just minutes earlier my rag caught on the sequence wrapped around the lamp. Quickly informing the mom of my mistake. " From this moment forward do not move anything out of place. I can do that, easy. I go to the daughters bathroom, grasping the stuff lion in my hand as I directly pulled up while whipping the spot. Setting the lion back on the bathroom counter. My mind moves frantically. " O' Shit, which direction was that lion's tale laying?" Was that left, right or front? Moving the the tail, every which way." This is ridiculous", I puffed out. Hoping my precise placement was sufficient enough for the anal eye.

 Coming back to the present moment. "How could I mess up again this week, mumbling to myself under my breath." The husband walked me over to the set of three chairs. They look in the same spot as before, as what my eyes saw. He informed me that there were indentations left in the floor by the chairs and the chairs needed to be lined up with the indentations. I got it. I got it. Never move the chairs again. I leave quietly hoping next week I can get it right, wondering if I will get fired for my inability of not being able to put things in the right place. And I, yet again, knock over the glass jellies while vacuuming underneath the American Girl tea party table. Leaving the house saying nothing. I hope that the daughter realizes it is not out of placement as I was just doing my job.

Children in Da booz

The fascination in the booze. As a child, I didn't grow up with any alcohol in the house. I might of seen my mom drink maybe once a year at a pot luck. My dad told me all the time that drinking every day was not good.  When I came home with work issues, that  were so far out, dysfunctional and not making any logical sense, like I was in the middle of prime time soap opera." They were alcoholics and that drinking was not a way to solve your problems", he said.

The human interaction at work sometimes is so unreal to me. Get a  load of this S**T. Super bowl weekend and I just rang up the mother load of groceries. Finished, the women stated that she was waiting for her son to grab some groceries. When he arrived, it was another cart full of groceries. This was bad, with a full line of people, the next person waiting to go. The guy next waves me on  to ring up.

Look Mom!, Look what I got?  The first item was a bottle of wine he excitedly pulled out of the cart.
What was so special, let me see the bottle I ask?
 Nothing! I was an adult and the bottle looked so ugly by the label, that I myself, knowing nothin about wine as I am sure the kid didn't either. It looked like a boring person wine for old people, that can't see. The kid had not even reached puberty yet. I look over to the next guy in line. He was like," No comment."
Wanting to make conversation to figure out the story.
Is this all his food?
Yep, goes the mom.
He is really lucky, most parents scream when kids add an extra 25 bucks in the cart.
I told him it was Super Bowl and he could pick out anything he wanted.
How much was this what ever he wanted cart of food?
$90.00 dollars. I am exclaiming to myself
That a lot of drinks, I mentioned
We have a lot of people, the mom said. He had a cart full of juice and candy gummies.

The next one happened on Sunday Morning, with a two year old girl in the cart. She told," Mommy is so sad, she cant have her wine today"?

The grand winner of them all. Yeah, you think this is strange. It's real. I encounter strange stories and people everyday of my life.

 The mom is at the check out getting some beer. The child, her son is smacking himself on the face up teen times, while reciting every characters screen name and the actors full name in all the  Harry Potter movies while continuing to slap his face continuously. The conversation went something like this, not sure where it started, but it ended up like this. Her daughter had moved away and some sort of issue was going on.
She told me, the mom, that she didn't want her daughter to drink all the Kool aid crap. She would water down beer and give it  her daughter when she was little. All the other mom's would look at her like she was crazy.

This lady didn't understand why?  Next, she says, in a hostile angry tone blowing my way.

You wonder why I am an Alcoholic mom? The daughter tells this to her mom, and the mom is repeating the conversation to me.

Alcohol in pregnancy ‘makes kids develop taste for booze’

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This is The very Moment

How do we get to a momen,t if we are already in the moment? That is slowly escaping us. But maybe, we do not realize that we are already there.

She told me that her husband had just sent her to a$ 300 workshop about being in the moment. Meanwhile, she commend on how she is always day dreaming. Not knowing, that she was talking to ADD Jeannine. Yes, that is me. Who day dreams all the time, is mostly in outer space or not even here, but  in my own universe. I to have tried alternative therapies, little did she know.

There is being in the moment and being present she told me. You think after a 300 dollar workshop......!!! I  mentioned to her about  Kripula ( a yoga center in NY) which, 4 weeks I volunteered.    She told me she also went to Omega Instituted. another well known center for well being and yoga. But wait there was more.

Just when she was trying to understand " being in the moment" and" being  present" He husband told her about " Be here Now"  Which I knew was Eckhard Tolls Book, called " Be here Now"

She said wait!' To her husband. " I am  still trying to figure out being in the moment and being present, now you want to introduce to me "  Be here now." She said, " hold  on to that one!"

I try my hardest to kindly explain that all three things were the same. There were all about having an awareness of the moment, of the present, of the now.

No! She told me, they were all different


I tried my super hardest to explain in simple steps, they yet again they were all the same.  She had no idea who in fact she was talking to.

No! again, she told me they were all different according to her Husband.

 Who was she talking to?

She was talking to her cashier, who was packing all her food in brown paper bags.

She was talking to her cahire who was packing all her food in back, who was trying to help her make sense of the chaos in her head.  Who had a great idea of how confused she as she she too had spend countless hours pondering many questions, who still yet, can't make sense of all this being in the moment, who had a lot of knowledge  of...

That everything is a happening

Who studies dualities

beliefs are concepts that are not true

we limited ourselves by our beliefs

our thoughts are controlling our attention

thoughts are not arsing from us

our minds are the ones thinking

everything is a happening

energies, chakra, Hinui,Buddhism, tantra

meditation, enlightened, years of yoga

presonal experience

 Indian!

  I too, have been trying hard to always learn more and work on myself, which, if she had no idea was a very, very  slow process..

She told me,  after going to Omega and all the workshops that she has done, that she would be somehow maybe further or more together. It was something close to that, that I gathered in all the rambling.

I am nodding my head going. If you only knew me. I totally understating and hear what you are saying... I thought so too, after everything I have done.

Thoughts are concepts which are belifes

Belifes are concepts which come from thoughts

Concpets, come from thoughts, which come from belifes

You decide

( Great words and saying come from my  friend Susan)

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A morphed percetion of our selfs

Did you look at yourself. I did. I saw you, unlike you see yourself. I stared with my eyes, like you look at me. All of you with your comments. I stand still waiting on you, answering your undying questions, about me. All I can do is shut up and look at you.

I stand tall 5"8' and 1/4 I weight 113. I wear a size two long.  My body is long legs, straight lines, small hips, a long torso. Small frame, but lanky.

•  How much do you weight they ask
• Do you eat enough
• you are so thin
• you look like you lost weight
• Did you loose weight

 I just wanted to tell them. You're so fat and ugly.  You wear your make up like a slut. I think you have a spray on tan.  Your skin is so fried, it looks like it will peel off.  You have acne and a muffin top pouring over your pants. I know your have a boob job, they even look fake.  Do I asked you that. Do I tell you how I think you look.  We can say you are thin, but we can't say you are fat. Cuz saying your fat is rude.

Guess what? Your thin like me, maybe even the same size.  Did you know that? No! You see yourself as some morphed person. I can see you for you.  You are tall and thin like a stick with square hips? Maybe your a size five or seven or nine. Maybe sometimes I am a five too, just like you.

Every person who tells me I am thin. I look at you. What are they talking about?. You're thin too. You're glad you lost some weight? why? You don't need to loose weight.  We look at ourselves and compare our bodies to what standard?

Yeah, I got your old jeans, in a give away pile, they don't even fit me. But yet, you still think I am thin. Your not like me, but you are.

Yeah, I know I lost weight. I am pretty aware of my body at all times. I couldn't tell you, that I was losing sleep at night, stressed out as I was in the middle of divorce dealing with lawyers and a missing cat.   Although I have two jobs, I was still strapped for cash.  Realizing you make too much money to be in poverty, but not enough to afford professional help.

If you didn't know me as you like to tell me how I look. You were to afraid to ask. I eat a lot. I eat all the time. I work hard all day long with lots of physical labor. I burn food, faster then you can eat it. I can't gained weight. My twin brother tried eating sticks of butter, when he was a teenage, to gain weight. It didn't work. I can eat and eat like a huge fat person and not gain a pound. I know I lost weight, I am working on getting it back.  My whole family is thin like me

My crazy fat psychiatrist

wanted me to get some

Some Ass and titties

She told me

 She up my meds

I gained 35 pounds last year.

But all of you thought I was still thin

Did you know I  gained to pants sizes

In four months

My bust increased from flat, to a Small C cup.

It didn't make a difference

I even had fat on my stomach that I could grab with two hands

I had to give all my jeans away

I was too fat for a size two

I got to a size Six

My arms and legs are so long and I am so tall

No matter how much I gain

I will always  be thin

In your mind

you made me into someone

who you wish you could be

like me

But you are thin like me

Your too insane to see  or believe it

Maybe it's scary, because you are small and thin like me

You can't be that label, because you gave me that label

Admitting  to yourself, that your like that girl

who you see every time, wishing you were her

because you can't see yourself for you, but in her eyes she can

All images from

Babies the documentary

Babies

I recently saw the documentary babies. The only thing I was told about it was that seeing how all the babies were born, there was something very different about the American baby being born. Did you catch the slight settle thing?

As I approach all the customers at work about this film. Part of my job is to make conversation. I ask others with children, babies or kids, if they have seen this great film. Not all seem to be  thrilled and rather apprehensive. Watching babies for two hours! One women remarked. "Sounds boring."   Babies! Babies! I am sure that hearing the words babies, might not conjure pretty images. People you've  got it all wrong.

I saw something much different then just babies.  The beauty of the movie is. It showed babies in the natural form. When and what they are doing, when we are not always looking.  The most common thing I hear parents telling their young ones. Do this or not that or what babies can and can not do.  The movie let the babies be there own curious wonders of the world around them. It was astonishing.   That babies are unafraid with wonderful personality and highly intelligent little people.  This movie heighten my perception of babies and definitely brought to the for front that babies are highly perceptive beings.





In da bath

We as people are always too busy these days to see what is really going on. I know this from first hand interacting with people and kids all day long. Working in a food store has more to do with children, then most can imagine.  To be continue in another blog. Although babies are not talking, they are, but with thier eyes.  ( All images from google)











Disaster Dates

  Dating!   The crazy dates in my life. They are rather comical  if not at sometimes disturbing.

Image from google

 We started talking online and I had seen bis picture. I was talking to this tall handsome man with long black hair. Who was much older than I.   We decided for our first date to go out to eat. To my surprise, awaiting a handsome stranger, at Olive Garden. He showed up in worn-out green sweat pants and sweatshirt to match on top of black velcro shoes. He was shorter than my 5'8" figure.  His hair was long and black, but he forgot to tell me he was half bald. He ate with only a spoon. He ordered pasta. No, not a spoon with a fork, just a spoon.

I must have told him my honest impression of what I thought of him. I remember that I rather freaked him out as he thought, I could read his mind. Maybe the eyes of his soul spoke words louder then he could ever say. This moment is a blur, but I picked up on something, not even knowing to my awareness what it was.

Then there was the date at the apple mill. He was too strange for words. While we were walking the paths and through the whole tour of the apple Mill. He kept pocking me in my belly button and giggling like I was his Pillsbury's Dough Boy. Half through the path, we arrived at a bench. He told me he wanted to massage my feet and to take off my shoes, cuz all the girls like that.

If I can't forget Lewis the looser, which I named him after our first date, not to mention a few other dates. He failed to never call or show up on two other dates.  A friend had urged me to forgive him another chance. He had help her in a really bad situation. He was after all a really great guy in her eyes.

He met me while at the Library as I browsed the Internet. He told me he was checking me out for a long time as he was not sure if I was a guy or a girl. I assumed this was much better than all my Internet dating. A real person in a real place. He asked me out on a date that night and told me he was able to get in free to the dance club Studio 4.

I arrived all dolled up, far from the image of the half girl half guy as he same me. The doorman took my faux fur coat and wow, I didn't spend a dime. He too was in a nice swanky suit as I didn't much judge him when he was in a baseball cap and sweats and sneakers at our first meeting at the Library. I had no idea I was going on a date with such a find. Yeah, I definitely thought he was well off.


Most of the night he mingled with other women. I was not the jealous type, so I let all the interactions occur. Meanwhile, I went to the bar getting free drinks and I danced with my self to the groovy beats. Thinking to myself while I spend a good part of my night with myself.  He was a regular and probably everybody knew him. He was self-employed specializing in door installment and locks. A master locksmith. He said he had business to attend to. So, I let it be.

On the dance floor not too far from my ear reach, he tells a guy he owns a house in Ann Arbor and rents out the extra rooms.  Mapping that down in my memory bank.   I go home with the guy. I arrive to find out that he actually rents a room in a house in Ann Arbor in the basement if all the places. He has no idea that I overheard what he really said about his place.

I  sometime in the night am informed that he asked me out because I was a TAX Write OFF. Glancing over at the bookshelf, I noticed two twin boys in his arms. I myself am a twin. Being a twin I Noticed other twins. Asking who they were,  his reply my nephews.

How did the Loser get into Lewis:

•  The boys were his sons
• I was a tax write off
• He had no connection, but just pay things off to make it look like he was all hooked up
• The business he had to attend too. I am sure was just a role. 
• The women. Looking back. He was a flirt, probably making hookups ups

I didn't see any of this. I just let people be, do there thing, who was I to be the crazy jealous date of a guy I hardly knew...

The computer guy who lives in an Eco friendly green house. His blog screamed narcissistic." He wants women to like him for who is" I am sure that's why he was dressed like a huge hobo, sneakers cut out to get that extra ware. His house and car told me he made lots of money. The clothes, did not hide the rest of his material world.
 Years earlier we had met for a brief moment, he thought I was cute.  I retraced my memory to realize, I had remember his whole outfit that day we met.

He had ask me in a phone conversation if I had read the blog about his x girlfriend who broke his heart, telling me her father was some regious cult, she was fucked up.  He told me, I could if I wanted too wikipedi her dad.

It not clear to me in what order things happened. It a blend of many phone conversation and one outting.

Getting into his car to heading to the pizza place with the rest of his employees. Tuesday was  pizza night. I again was cool not thinking much of this, maybe he wanted to feel me out before he had to embrace me just on his own. 
 I gotta excited and pointed  something out the car window." Are you going to clean that off, now?"  He siad after my finger left a smudge on his car window.  We hung out and ate pizza with everyone at the pizza place, meanwhile, he's on his cell phone working most of the time.  Back at his place, He walked up the staris. He asked me if I feel okay, him taking a shower. I sit at the only place to sit, his bed. That was a wrong move. I had my dirty street clothes on which didn't mix well with the bed.

He had a tramp stamp, never fully making out the words, I guess it to be DETROIT.

I was also informed of what I should be doing with my life currently. That if I had a cleaning business, that I should really be working on getting more clients, that's what he would do and I should be also getting my divorce, if I were in fact separated.

He told me he wanted a women to Bring home the Dough

Now, at my place of work, I get to see him daily.  With lots women. I look at them and nothing sparks my attention.. shes got money maybe?. He dresses well know. When I see him I want to ask. " Did you find your women who brings home the dough." It sure don't look like it?