Sunday, January 30, 2011

This is The very Moment

How do we get to a momen,t if we are already in the moment? That is slowly escaping us. But maybe, we do not realize that we are already there.

She told me that her husband had just sent her to a$ 300 workshop about being in the moment. Meanwhile, she commend on how she is always day dreaming. Not knowing, that she was talking to ADD Jeannine. Yes, that is me. Who day dreams all the time, is mostly in outer space or not even here, but  in my own universe. I to have tried alternative therapies, little did she know.

There is being in the moment and being present she told me. You think after a 300 dollar workshop......!!! I  mentioned to her about  Kripula ( a yoga center in NY) which, 4 weeks I volunteered.    She told me she also went to Omega Instituted. another well known center for well being and yoga. But wait there was more.

Just when she was trying to understand " being in the moment" and" being  present" He husband told her about " Be here Now"  Which I knew was Eckhard Tolls Book, called " Be here Now"

She said wait!' To her husband. " I am  still trying to figure out being in the moment and being present, now you want to introduce to me "  Be here now." She said, " hold  on to that one!"

I try my hardest to kindly explain that all three things were the same. There were all about having an awareness of the moment, of the present, of the now.

No! She told me, they were all different

I tried my super hardest to explain in simple steps, they yet again they were all the same.  She had no idea who in fact she was talking to.

No! again, she told me they were all different according to her Husband.

 Who was she talking to?

She was talking to her cashier, who was packing all her food in brown paper bags.

She was talking to her cahire who was packing all her food in back, who was trying to help her make sense of the chaos in her head.  Who had a great idea of how confused she as she she too had spend countless hours pondering many questions, who still yet, can't make sense of all this being in the moment, who had a lot of knowledge  of...

That everything is a happening
Who studies dualities
beliefs are concepts that are not true
we limited ourselves by our beliefs
our thoughts are controlling our attention
thoughts are not arsing from us
our minds are the ones thinking
everything is a happening
energies, chakra, Hinui,Buddhism, tantra
meditation, enlightened, years of yoga
presonal experience

  I too, have been trying hard to always learn more and work on myself, which, if she had no idea was a very, very  slow process..

She told me,  after going to Omega and all the workshops that she has done, that she would be somehow maybe further or more together. It was something close to that, that I gathered in all the rambling.

I am nodding my head going. If you only knew me. I totally understating and hear what you are saying... I thought so too, after everything I have done.

Thoughts are concepts which are belifes
Belifes are concepts which come from thoughts
Concpets, come from thoughts, which come from belifes
You decide
( Great words and saying come from my  friend Susan)

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

A morphed percetion of our selfs

Did you look at yourself. I did. I saw you, unlike you see yourself. I stared with my eyes, like you look at me. All of you with your comments. I stand still waiting on you, answering your undying questions, about me. All I can do is shut up and look at you.

I stand tall 5"8' and 1/4 I weight 113. I wear a size two long.  My body is long legs, straight lines, small hips, a long torso. Small frame, but lanky.
  •  How much do you weight they ask
  • Do you eat enough
  • you are so thin
  • you look like you lost weight
  • Did you loose weight
 I just wanted to tell them. You're so fat and ugly.  You wear your make up like a slut. I think you have a spray on tan.  Your skin is so fried, it looks like it will peel off.  You have acne and a muffin top pouring over your pants. I know your have a boob job, they even look fake.  Do I asked you that. Do I tell you how I think you look.  We can say you are thin, but we can't say you are fat. Cuz saying your fat is rude.

Guess what? Your thin like me, maybe even the same size.  Did you know that? No! You see yourself as some morphed person. I can see you for you.  You are tall and thin like a stick with square hips? Maybe your a size five or seven or nine. Maybe sometimes I am a five too, just like you.

Every person who tells me I am thin. I look at you. What are they talking about?. You're thin too. You're glad you lost some weight? why? You don't need to loose weight.  We look at ourselves and compare our bodies to what standard?

Yeah, I got your old jeans, in a give away pile, they don't even fit me. But yet, you still think I am thin. Your not like me, but you are.

Yeah, I know I lost weight. I am pretty aware of my body at all times. I couldn't tell you, that I was losing sleep at night, stressed out as I was in the middle of divorce dealing with lawyers and a missing cat.   Although I have two jobs, I was still strapped for cash.  Realizing you make too much money to be in poverty, but not enough to afford professional help.

If you didn't know me as you like to tell me how I look. You were to afraid to ask. I eat a lot. I eat all the time. I work hard all day long with lots of physical labor. I burn food, faster then you can eat it. I can't gained weight. My twin brother tried eating sticks of butter, when he was a teenage, to gain weight. It didn't work. I can eat and eat like a huge fat person and not gain a pound. I know I lost weight, I am working on getting it back.  My whole family is thin like me

My crazy fat psychiatrist
wanted me to get some
Some Ass and titties
She told me
 She up my meds

I gained 35 pounds last year.
But all of you thought I was still thin
Did you know I  gained to pants sizes
In four months
My bust increased from flat, to a Small C cup.
It didn't make a difference
I even had fat on my stomach that I could grab with two hands
I had to give all my jeans away
I was too fat for a size two
I got to a size Six
My arms and legs are so long and I am so tall
No matter how much I gain
I will always  be thin
In your mind
you made me into someone
who you wish you could be
like me
But you are thin like me
Your too insane to see  or believe it
Maybe it's scary, because you are small and thin like me
You can't be that label, because you gave me that label
Admitting  to yourself, that your like that girl
who you see every time, wishing you were her
because you can't see yourself for you, but in her eyes she can